Thursday, February 20, 2020

Control, control. You must learn control!

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I’ve always loved Star Wars. I grew up with it. I watched the movies all the time. I had some of the figurines and a speeder bike that exploded. I regularly checked to see if I had the Force. (I still don’t.) I memorized many of the lines.

Yoda especially said memorable things. “Control, control. You must learn control!” He may look like a muppet, but he’s full of things that sound wise.

Control. I’ve always appreciated when I feel like my life is under control. It feels like I’m in my prime when I know what’s coming up on the schedule, what I’ll be eating, when I’ll be eating, with whom I’ll be eating. I like it when my files are in order, my desk is clean (or the piles are at least manageable, and I can count them on one hand), and my task list can be easily completed that day. I may even check my phone messages! It’s such a good feeling when everything is under control. I can create my own little world, where everything suits me. Even my computer seems like an extension of my will. It’s all so beautiful.

And then life happens.

Now I don’t even know what’s on the schedule tomorrow (something?), if I’ll be eating in the next 6 hours (hopefully?), what’s in any of the piles on my desk (nothing critical?), or even how many critical things are on my to-do list for the day (probably less than 30?). It turns out that sense of control I thought I had was just an illusion.

It all started when I had kids. Ok, no, it didn’t. It started long before then, but they helped me realize it much more clearly. You see, I like feeling like I have my world in order. And these kids… they just aren’t orderly. I want them to exist as extensions of my will, like my computer pretends to be. It turns out they actually have their own wills, their own desires, and they’re not perfectly in line with mine. Who knew?! Why didn’t they tell me?! And then why on earth did we decide to add a cat into the mix?!!!

Because it’s not realistic for me to be in control of everything. That’s not my job. I’m not that big, not that important, and definitely not that omnipotent. I mean, I still can’t even use the Force! How could I possibly be in control of everything?

But God is. And he loves me, and he wants me to trust him.

And so I try. I try to let go of this desire to control my little world. I try to let my kids be themselves. I try to trust that somehow, in spite of all this craziness, in spite of my weird control issues, God really is in control. He has a plan. He can sort out the details really well. He’s better at it than I am. Because, ultimately, he’s God and I’m not.

Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.
                                                                                        (1 Peter 5:7)

And it turns out Yoda is just a stupid little muppet after all. I never should have listened to him.

Read 482 times Last modified on Thursday, February 20, 2020