It always feels a bit ridiculous for me, a woman, to have a conversation with a man about what it means to be manly… and better yet, to insist I am correct. But what can I say, I am a woman, it’s what we do. (I bet you already feel bad for my husband, and indeed you should.) Unfortunately for all of my close male friends, I do have opinions. Like most woman I have chiseled out the ideal dream of a man and search for him in every conversation and encounter I have. And I am not really talking about finding a hunk of burning love (I did that 11 years ago and was quite successful, thank you.) I am talking about how I was taught to feel safe. Taught by my family, taught by media, taught by my experience: all of them, in their own way, were very concerned that I remain a safe woman who is treasured and loved. And for that I thank society, media, my parents, and my mentors. I have received a 34-year education on how to feel safe around men. It was a gift of love, but it was driven by fear. It is time to allow Perfect Love to cast out all fear as St Paul so boldly proclaimed.
It would be quite the theses to point out every flaw in my perception of the male nature, but maybe I can just shake off a couple misconceptions that need not go on.
Item 1: When a man has no response to my concerns, I assume he does not care. In fear, this is how I react. When I allow Love to fill my fear, I see that men have an interior reverence for others which does not allow them to comment on what they are not sure of, especially if the matter concerns someone personally and especially if they care for you. And they generally do care, immensely.
Item 2: Many men, or at least the ones I have been blessed to know, place very few judgments on others. I thought, growing up, that men must have very high standards when it came to appearance. After all, woman try so gosh darn hard to get to the perfect weight, shape, outfit, makeup, eyebrow arch, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, forever, and ever, amen! (It really doesn’t have an end.) My fear would inform me that men sit in judgment over my every flaw and this is why I must obsess over every inch of my appearance. But Love has shown me that male nature, not easily prone to disgust, accepts all of a person in simplicity and desires their happiness more than their perfection. Indeed, I have seen men make great sacrifices only to give a small slice of joy to those they treasure. Our drive toward perfection, ladies, has little to do with men’s standards and a lot more to do with our own comparison of each other. And that small slice of happiness? It is often missed in our constant obsession with the expectation of others.
Now why do I feel it necessary to yack (very much like a woman) about the wonderful aspects of men? I have had my fair share of horrible encounters with the opposite sex, and I know that the Residue of Fear would have me always interpreting the worst. And for a time that fear was necessary to give space for healing. But there is an expiration date to fear, a time when it no longer serves you or protects you, but instead threatens to poison your heart and your relationships. We all must let go of the security that fear promises sooner or later. And I don’t mean just forgiveness (although that is a good start). What I mean is having the courage to seek to understand those who remind you of your wounds. To let go of your fear and see the beauty of the human being standing in front of you. To trust yourself to be able to identify both a safe or dangerous person. You don’t need fear to keep you safe, you need Love. And until we can trust Love more than fear to guide us, the world will continue to become a violent place.
