I love feedback.  To me, results matter. 

As I was losing weight three years ago, I had weekly weigh-ins and took body composition measurements every Sunday.  I needed that sort of regular feedback to tell me if I was on the right track or not.

When I workout, I use tracking sheets for ‘weight used’ and ‘number of reps performed’ so that I can have an instant report of my progress (and sometimes...gulp...regression).  I also use a heart rate monitor to tell me to slow down if I’m going too hard or pick it up if I’m dogging it.

Many daily activities provide us feedback.  When using a computer program we see our work instantly on the screen in front of us.  If we don’t like it, we can simply delete it.  We send out an e-mail requesting a response and in they come (even the no responses tell us something).  We cut our lawn or clean the house and presto...we see a measureable difference!

There is one activity in my life however that doesn’t provide the instant feedback I so desperately long for.

Parenting for me is a huge challenge.  For one thing, Ava and Lachlan did not come with a user manual.  Secondly, they are just so stinking different from one another; what worked with Ava backfires with Lachlan.  Thirdly, the feedback on how well we are parenting often comes much later in the relationship.

Sometimes we get feedback from others in the form of frowns and smiles.  You know what I mean...that look you get at Safeway when your child is acting up.  The frowns tell you that you’re doing something wrong as a parent and the smile usually tells you that you’re doing just fine.  That sort of feedback however is based upon the opinion of others and is therefore fickle.  I’ve had the luxury of getting that knowing smile from one person and then turning down the next aisle I’m met by the frown of another.  Which one is right?  Naturally, I prefer the smiles.

The sort of feedback I’m longing for actually comes from my children and the relationship itself.  I can tell when I’ve been too busy and haven’t spent as much time with my kids as I should.  The problem is that the feedback usually comes much later down the road.  To use the ‘emotional bank account’ metaphor, I sometimes fail to recognize that I’ve been making emotional withdrawals.  At some point the account will get too close to empty.  If I receive feedback in good time, I can change things by making a few deposits along the way.

But instant feedback isn’t the norm in relationships.

When it comes to discipline, I’m constantly wondering what works best: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement or a combination of the two?

We tend toward positive reinforcement.  Whether Ava sounds out a new word on her own or Lachlan remembers to say “Thank you,” we will reinforce their effort and good deeds by telling them so.  Our reinforcement is usually met by silence however.  No instant feedback.

The other day however, it came.  I was in the kitchen doing dishes and Lachlan was playing with his front-end loader in the living room.  I could hear him talking away to someone named Spike.  (I’m convinced that Spike is the imaginary worker who operates the front-end loader and Tanya is convinced that Spike is the front-end loader)  Regardless of who Spike is, he was getting a lot of positive reinforcement for moving imaginary dirt from one locale to another!  I could hear Lachlan repeating, “Move the dirt here Spike...good job Spike, good job!”

It stands to reason in my mind that Spike benefitted from the positive reinforcement that we have given both of our kids.  That sort of feedback is gold, even if it didn’t come instantly.