"Why are you crying Sweetheart?"

"I'm really upset Daddy, So and So didn't invite me to her birthday party!"  Then the floodgates opened as the tears and mournful cries intensified.

This is how Ava greeted me when she got off the bus yesterday.  Every parent reading this has heard a similar story told to them by a sobbing child.  Our hearts immediately go out to our little ones who feel left out or utterly rejected by a friend.

I asked Ava for more details and between hitches of breath she told me that she really likes So and So and that everyone in her class was invited to her birthday party but her.

As Ava went on, I realized that Ava and So and So are not really BFFs (Best Friends Forever), not everyone was invited and that if she was supposed to be, it was over-looked.  At the end of the day, an invite did not make it to Ava’s mailbox and there was no malice or ill-will to it at all.

Ava proceeded to tell me that one of her BFFs told her to “get So and So back” by not inviting her to Ava’s birthday party next month.  So Ava and I talked about the Golden Rule, and she has resolved to make sure that So and So receives an invite because she really does like So and So and doesn’t want her to feel left out.

Thus ended the rain of tears and Ava hasn’t mentioned it since.

Notice that it was the perception of having been rejected that hurt Ava.  In reality, she wasn’t rejected at all.

The way we see things can have a significant impact upon our emotions.  This in turn determines the way we respond (or react) to the world around us. 

But what if we’re wrong and we don’t see the situation clearly?

We are hurt or offended, we become angry or withdraw.  Like Ava, we may seek out our BFF as a trusted ally.  Sometimes we get good advice and sometimes we get less than desirable advice like Ava did from her BFF.  We’ll tell our tale of woe and misery to anyone who will listen convinced that that we are seeing things as they really are.  We expend a tremendous amount energy wallowing in negativity, nursing a victim mentality.  In reality, we are STUCK!

Is there a way out?  Can we be liberated from these joy-sucking feelings? 

May I suggest that there are two ways out; one requires that we listen and the other requires that we make a choice.

Jesus told us that “…the truth will set you free.” Jn. 8:32.  As Ava and I talked, the truth of the matter became clear.  The fact that there was no invitation was an oversight, not a rejection.  Her perception trapped her in feelings of hurt and the truth calmed her fears.  All Ava had to do was to listen calmly to the truth and accept it.  Perception then gave way to reality and she began to see clearly.

But what if So and So intentionally left Ava’s name off the birthday list?  What if So and So didn’t want Ava at her birthday party?  That’s hard for adults to accept let alone someone in grade two.  Does this mean that Ava will have to remain stuck with a feeling of rejection? 

Not at all!  The second way out requires a decision.  The power to decide resides within each of us and no one can take it away.  We can choose to forgive, even if the offending party doesn’t say sorry. We can choose to be loving and kind even when others are mean.  I’m not suggesting that we leave ourselves in harm’s way and allow others to treat us badly.  But I am saying that we can liberate ourselves from negative feelings though our power of choice.

Ava chose to honour the Golden Rule in this case and I, a proud father, watched my daughter walk away freely from a host of negative feelings seeing So and So and the situation much more clearly.